| High School |
[08 Jan 2007|11:05pm] |
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Things were so much simpler back then. I miss you guys. Thank God last week and this week have largely been spent with high school friends. Now the other part of these weeks? Hay. Basta. I miss you guys.
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| Talk About Timing |
[30 Nov 2006|09:53am] |
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 anxious |
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For months now, we've been planning the ICTUS 25th Anniversary Celebration. Extreme effort has been placed on the putting this event together, and then suddenly, two days before December 01, we receive news of a super typhoon hitting Manila on the day of the said event. All we can do now is pray for a miracle. Although we have a plan B and plan C naman, choosing either one would still be a logistical nightmare. We'd have to contact all the alumni, fix the venue and catering ALL OVER AGAIN. Ayoko na. Pagod na pagod na kami, and we just all want to get this event over and done with so we can get on to planning ICTUS week, caroling, and, oh yes, being students. Hay buhay.
Suspended nga classes ngayon, may choir practice pa rin. But I can't go there just yet because I have yet to finish scanning the ICTUS memorabilia. Goodness. I know that sometimes, our reponsibilities compete with each other. Who thought that our responsibilities within a single organization could also do that? Aside from the stuff that I have to do for the homecoming, first Payatas din on Saturday, and I still need to find all the materials that I need. I die now. Wah I'm still not even halfway through scanning. Grabeeeee...
Oddly enough, I only have about two Ictusians in my friends list here, at puro ICTUS naman pinag-uusapan ko dito. I guess I can't help it. My life really does revolve around ICTUS right now. It's kind of scary thinking about what would happen when I graduate. It's not really the leaving the people and the things that we do that I'm scared of. What I'm really afraid of is forgetting. I migh tbe a little too much of a live in the present person. While involved in something, and also soon after, that something becomes my life. But when it moves further and further into the past, parang nawawala na rin sa akin. I know I mentioned this before, but I guess it still bothers me. I hope a part of me stays in ICTUS, kahit sa pagbigay sa scholars o pagpunta sa mga homecoming. Even if it's admittedly the biggest source of stress sa buhay UP, walang katumbas pa rin ang kasiyahan at kabutihang nakuha ko dito.
Anyway, enough. Malamang di na kayo masyadong nakakarelate haha.
Sana lang hindi ako magpabaya sa acads ko ngayon. Ayoko nang maulit yung nangyari nung December last year. At least ngayon wala pa naman (ata) akong exams na nakasked ng December, so no need for exhausted caroling nights na hindi nakakaaral.
I think I'm now officially getting scared.
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| Goodness |
[27 Nov 2006|10:59pm] |
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How can people survive long distance relationships? One week down, two weeks to go, and I feel so pathetic! He better not decide to work in Singapore (buti na lang he doesn't know that I still update this thing hehe). I am so not living in Singapore! It's expensive, and it's boring and uptight. Assuming ko noh? Haha. But...Wala lang, I'm still keeping my fingers crossed. Parang ang layo na nga na nagwowork siya sa Makati at nakatira sa Commonwealth, what more kung sa ibang bansa? But hey, kung yun yung gusto niya, and if he'll get a better deal naman there, it wouldn't be right for me to stop him. Hay ewan, I shoulnd't spend too much energy thinking about something that isn't even sure yet.
Anyway. I'm scared na. THE Anniversary Dinner is on Friday na. It's the end of Monday. Wala pa yung AVP namin ng Alumni sa careers nila. Definitely hindi pa umaabot sa 250 people yung confirmed na pupunta. I've yet to get something from Unilab, if anything at all. The choir is still...Ugh, no comment. PRESSURE. Make or break 'to for ICTUS. I am personally not a fan of cramming, but frankly, that's all we have left right now. That, or the biggest miracle ever witnessed in decades. Haha.
I am surprisingly not sleepy right now. Ok, I suddenly got sleepy after typing that sentence. Tsk tsk, mind over matter! Lots to do pa! Scan pics, search for pics, read Psych 171, and figure out how to get the pictures from this computer to my computer without a burner or a flash disk. Woohoo watch me die. Oh well bahala na!
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| So Tiiiiired |
[24 Nov 2006|09:11pm] |
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What is happening to me? I decided not to go to a Cynthia Alexander gig in Magnet Katipunan so that I can go home and keep my computer on in case my boyfriend replies to my email. I know, it's pathetic right? But three weeks in Singapore! Come on! I just want to have something to look forward to besides all the work that I have the whole week. I know that there are a lot of things to do and people to see, but it's just different. Maybe I'm being too needy. Never mind.
I just wanna rest. And I want some nice quiet alone time.
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| Extraordinary |
[15 Nov 2006|09:39pm] |
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I didn't think people would actually even read my super long entry from yesterday, but surprise surprise, ang daming comments. It's nice to know that I have friends who actually took the time to read that and even comment. Thanks guys :) It's also kinda funny that there are some people who will always think like I do, regardless of time or space. (wavelength!) Nakakatuwa lang talaga.
As usual, today was tiring. First commute day since early this year ata, and ang tagal ni Don (as usual, dahil hindi nanaman sila nag-usap nang maayos ni Ron), so we were both late for the memcon. It was so nice to see the tambayan packed with mems, and even nicer to make history (woohoo amendment!) haha :) It was a pretty good memcon/genmeet, I must say. I suppose it gives us a glimmer of hope for the anniversary celebration, as well as the years to come. After that, choir meeting na at malapit na ang caroling crunch time (right after homecoming!), tapos the execom was divided according to tasks naman (marketing or distributing invites). Siyempre, dun ako sa Makati. Although it was fun, grabeng pagod. All the heat and walking made us all stinky and very un-Makati looking. Ah well, it was all worth it kahit five minutes ko lang nakita si Monsie.
Today, I am just thankful for helpful bibo alumni. They make our lives so much easier. It kinda makes me wonder about what kind of alumna I'll be. Going back to yesterday's entry, will be move on more easily than I would want to, or will I remain an Ictusian forever? In a sense, the latter seems to be more possible, at least based on my current plans. Some of my closest friends are Ictusians, my boyfriend is an Ictusian, I'm planning to teach in UP (and will therefore be close enough to the tambayan to drop by once in a while), and too much of me has been invested in this. Aside from my academics, siguro sa ICTUS na ako nakapagbigay ng pinakamalaking bahagi ng sarili ko. Sometimes, I even wonder if it is more than I should be giving. O masyado lang ba akong nagpapaka Magis and all that. Yuck ano yun, Atenista (no offense Ateneo friends hehe)? But really, I just don't want mediocrity. And more than that, mahal ko 'tong org na 'to eh. I love the people, and more importantly, I love what we do. Basta promise ko sa sarili ko, magsusuporta ako ng ICTUS scholar hanggang mamatay ako. Kaya mga future Liacom head, pwede niyo pa 'kong habuling forever. Haha.
Sorry kung puro ICTUS ko, my day has just been full of it.
Enough, enough.
Call me strange, but I'm actually excited to nerd mode na. Haha :)
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| Priorities? |
[14 Nov 2006|11:33pm] |
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It's another new sem, and I still seem to be incapable of setting my priorities straight. A responsible human being is supposed to have some sort of priority list, but mine seems to be nonexistent. I don't even know if mine is a ranked list; they all just seem to go side by side. Siguro yung tanong na lang ay ito: Kung lahat sila magsabay-sabay, alin ang pipiliin ko? Honest answer? I don't know. I hope that day will never come, and if it does, sana maging varying degrees of importance pa rin sila para madaling pumili. I know that I will have to pick sooner or later, lest my relationships and my responsibilities suffer.
Relationships and responsibilities. Sometimes I have a tendency to treat these things interchangeably. When I was thinking about it a while ago, I realized that I equate my sense of self-worth to my ability to fulfill my responsibilities. That's probably why my work seems to be inseperable from my identity. Nick Hornby kind of helped me figure this one out through Fever Pitch haha. He said something about the feeling that he would get from missing out on Arsenal home games, and I think I can say something similar of the feeling that I get when I don't get to attend a meeting for any of my several organizations, especially ICTUS. Parang pakiramdam ko na pag meron akong hindi mapuntahan, baka gumuho ang mundo dahil wala ako (how very self-centered of me, eh?), o kaya ma-OP ako sa isang konteksto kung saan ako ay dati namang komportable. I know it's very silly of me to base so much of me on something OUTSIDE of myself, but it's something I have long been guilty of. If you haven't already noticed, I tend to immerse myself completely in whatever I am currently experiencing; it becomes my life. To a certain extent, I sometimes even become obsessive. This has been demonstrated in the relationships (as in boyfriend or just romantic-ish) that I have been through. This is also seen in the different activities or organizations that I have been involved in ever since first year high school: Rep, AJSS, BVOAC, ICTUS. While I was there, I was one of those people who got extremely attached. But sadly, when I left (except for the ICTUS part), I kind of just forgot, or let it all fade away to just belong to the background that is my past. In fact, you can even trace this back to my grade school obsession with Hanson. Anyone who knew me back then can attest to this. Kulang na lang noon magpropose ako kay Zac Hanson! Hahaha. And of course, the oldest obsession of all would be that with getting high grades. My goodness, I'm the only kindergarten kid I know who cried (or would cry) and pouted about not being valedictorian. Although I'm SOMEWHAT less competetive now, I will admit to still crossing my fingers when my Psych profs announce who got the highest exam grade, or staying up even after an exhausting day to compute my average for the sem and my GWA for my entire UP life.
It actually gets really scary thinking about this. Because when you look at all those things listed above, they all belong outside of me. Although the person that I have become is undoubtedly influenced by all these outside elements, something in me has to be constant. Because if who I am will be defined by the things and people in my life who may or may not come and go, then I might just have a big problem being myself, because then I wouldn't know who that self might be.
Goodness, the things I think of while driving home. Anyway, a little lighter.
Random thoughts and highlights for the past week:
* Enlistment was considerably easy for me (yes, kill me now those of you punished by CRS)
* Super stress na for the ICTUS 25th anniversary celebration
* Got kicked out of my Psych org (I am officially a loser :c)
* Kapal muks sleepover at Cess' (I am still convinced that I am the most practical one among my kabarkadas kaya ako lang ang nakaisip na matulog doon. But thinking about it, the timing was just perfect)
* Saturday spent traveling from Alta Vista (Cess' house) to MTQ (Parish meeting thing) to ICTUS tambayan (cleanup) to della Strada to La Vista (LnK eval), and finally to my house for a very stressful and depressing evening.
* Sunday morning in UP for Students' Mass (CSC Choir sang), afternoon in MTQ (choir practice), and evening in Megamall (an hour waiting for Monsie, thirty minutes eating, one hour shopping na wala namang nabili). EXTREMELY tiring, but the evening ended perfectly with a much-needed talk. Despite all the stress and drama, I still love that boy (yuck cheesy na, oo).
* ICTUS RECRUITMENT: UP STUDENTS, SIGN UP AT OUR BOOTH NEAR AT THE AS WALK! ORIENTATION NEXT WED AND THE WED AFTER THAT. Just ask me for more details (and just so you know, it's not as busy or as demanding as I make it appear. Ganun lang yun pag execom o gusto mo magpaka supermem. But the application is REALLY easy, especially for UP standards).
And now it's time to sleep. Memcon tomorrow morning, and trip to Makati in the afternoon to send out Anniversary Dinner invites! Yes it's tiring, but I get to see HIM when we go to Makati :)
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| Eewwww |
[07 Nov 2006|08:50am] |
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My face is peeling off. Again. Please remind me to use sunblock next time. Haha. Now I also have to resist the impulse to peel off the dry skin. If Gayl sees me, I can bet that she'll be dying to do that for me. But no thanks, it actually hurts.
Back to the real world now. Hello University of Pila. Buti na lang isang class na lang hindi ko pa naeenlist, and a. It's an educ subject (so I get first, well second, dibs on enlistment), and b. Chummy naman kami ng prof, so prerog can be very easily arranged. Haha.
Anyway, enough procrastination. Time to take a bath, do some last-minute marketing, and get to school to get my second sem in order.
For some dorky reason, I'm actually excited for this sem. Maybe because my bio fears have been postponed to the summer. Hello whole day Bio, hello ipis. Yuck.
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| Last Day |
[06 Nov 2006|05:30pm] |
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Tomorrow, it's back to reality for me. Well not really, enlistment pa lang naman bukas, pero ganun na rin yun. I'll be going to UP, and the ICTUS work is definitely starting by tomorrow. Well it actually has started today (pero dapat last week pa). I spent about an hour of this morning calling up companies to beg for their money, and tonight I'll be calling up mems and alumni for the whole 25th anniv thing. Goodness, I think this sem is going to be a very difficult one.
On the up side, I only have seventeen units this sem, one class less than last sem (plus I don't have a five unit course). I can't say if the classes will actually be easier, but at least I have last sems results to boost my performance. Mayabang na kung mayabang, but last sem was my best sem ever (grades-wise) since first year first sem. Funny thing though, the entire sem, I was whining about how tamad and unmotivated I've been. And when I think about it, I hadn't been able to study as much as I would have wanted to for practically all my classes, but my performance wasn't bad at all. Well I was really disappointed with my Psych 108 grade (but I can't blame it on Sir Jay), but other than that, I got better than I expected for all my other classes. Hopefully, my grades will be even better next sem, and I can work much harder than I did the previous sem. At least this time my MTh classes will only be until 2:30PM, and TF will give me a four and a half hour break, which will be my working time. I should probably stay away from the tambayan though when I actually do have work to do. Still, I'm feeling quite optimistic for this sem despite the amount of org work that I'll be facing. At least I have my long breaks and early dismissals to help me with the workload.
Anyway, enough of that.
I FINALLY got to have my date with Bets today. Goodness, I don't even remember the last time we pigged out and watched DVDs here. Some realizations from our little date:
1. Never watch childhood movies when you reach your teenage years and beyond. You'll only realize how stupid they were, and the whole memory of the movie will be ruined for you (Read: Never Ending Story II).
2. When watching movies with Svetlana Dalumpines, make sure you pick sad ones which you've already seen before ;p
3. Ahhh...Secret na lang namin 'to. Ahehehe. Bets, I still can't believe it. Hahaha!
It was great being around someone from the high school world again. I can't wait to be a squatter in Cess' house this Friday! Hahaha :)
Oh oh oh I look like a lechon now. A lechon slowly peeling, that is. Kadiri. I don't know why I still haven't learned to use sunblock. Now I can't even sleep properly! Kumusta naman ang 9AM-5PM in the water or lying down on the sand?!? I think I will look gross in two days' time.
Sorry about this last one, but I just need to say this. I miss my boyfriend :c For those of you with boyfriends who are graduating, get ready for major adjustments (especially if he works in a bank). Ah well, one of the reasons why I can't wait to be busy again.
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| Goodness |
[30 Oct 2006|04:09pm] |
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I'm really not doing well with this whole alone with nothing scheduled deal. Well technically, I do have something scheduled. I have to check all the CLA test papers for the past sem, but I decided to distribute it among my core members so I won't have to do everything by myself. Then I said that I would make all the lesson plans for the sem, but so far, all I've done is outline the lessons to tackle during the sem. No need to pressure myself naman to have each detailed lesson plan by today. December 2 pa naman yung start ng CLA eh. And THEN, I have to come up with my amendment of the ICTUS constitution to make CLA an independent apostolate. I have not started with that yet. I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to go about with that one eh. But I think I at least have to get that done by today. So far, the only thing I've fully accomplished are my project proposals, which were due last Thursday anyway. Hurray for me. I will go back to being productive now. Yeah right.
I guess I have to get used to Monsie going back to work. After his one week audit leave and the amount of time that we spent with each other last week, it's taking a lot of adjustment. So instead of sending him emails at work and bothering him any further, I think I'm gonna just end up updating this thing every few hours or so to keep me sane. Someone come here and help me get my mind back. Or at least hit me in the head and get me to be productive again. Hahaha.
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| Someone's Obviously on Sembreak |
[30 Oct 2006|10:39am] |
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Haha heto nanaman. I kinda missed this actually. At least I'm actually talking to someone/something. I actually have more than 500 papers to check and a grand total of 63 lesson plans to prepare based on the results of those papers, but look what I'm doing now. Haha. I went online to check CRS is my grades are out, but I somehow ended up here. Hehehe. Boo procrastination. This is so not a break. Oh well, I need to get things done anyway, and after the planning sem that we just had, I'm kinda in the mood to improve my ICTUS performance anyway, so now I'm gonna work on CLA majorly today. Then tomorrow is LnK video day, and I have a feeling that's gonna take the whole day too. And next week is enlistment na, so technically no break for me. Well there is Monday since that's for graduating and freshie students only, so there you go. I do have a one day break. Haha. Oh well that's fine. Judging from what happened to me last night, boredom does not do me any good. It's too depressing, I'm not productive enough. Can someone say workaholic? Ahehe. Anyway, this isn't exactly being productive, so I'll be off to work again. Buhbye.
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| Yes, I'm this bored. |
[29 Oct 2006|08:06pm] |
Over a year ago I swore that there would be no more blogging of any kind from me. But hey. Here I am now. I'm all alone, and for the first time in a longest time, I'm bored. I know, I know, there are a lot of things for me to do right now. I can do the work that's been waiting for me. I can read. I can watch the gazillion DVDs downstairs. So maybe it's not boredom. Maybe I'm just feeling lonely and in dire need of a proper conversation. I really miss being able to really open up and having someone seriously listen to me. Well fine, maybe I just need that right now since I've pretty much getting that on other days, I think. I think reading a book about rehab is not good for me, considering the fact that I'm spending time alone at home on a Sunday night. It's driving me crazy. I think even without the book though, I wouldn't be feeling to different right now. I just need something to preoccupy me. Goodness, I'm resizing all the pictures in my computer so that I can have some space that's a little more than 3pointsomethingGB. Am I bored or what?
And so I return to the online world with my usual whining. I guess things haven't really changed much over the past year.
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| Lonely Friday |
[17 Jun 2005|08:30pm] |
The whole week, I've been going home past nine. Today, Friday, the end of the week when normal people go home late, I went home early just to appease my father. Nagtatampo na kasi siya na laging late ako umuuwi. But lo and behold, when I get home, walang kotse. The only evening na maaga ako umuwi, magulang ko naman wala. Well when I got home, my mom was here, but she was about to leave na rin. But not before stressing herself out (including me in the process) dahil sa walang kwentang printer namin. I tried not to snap back this time though. I wasn't a hundred percent succesful, but I'm kind of improving. Ah well.
And now I'm here. In front of my computer with no one to talk to. Well I was talking to my beautiful kambal a while ago (who I want to give a HUGE hug to right now, by the way. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! I still can't believe I cried. Gawd I'm a loser haha), but she had to go for dinner. So ito nanaman ako. On the up side of things, Chenelle Tanglao is also another loser at home on a Friday night haha. I'm being a crab na lang to make myself feel better. How pathetic.
Speaking of pathetic, I STILL haven't watched Star Wars. Or Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Someone take me out! Hahaha parang ang dami kong oras gawin yun. Pati nga mga DVD dito hindi ko pa rin napapanood. It's been two months since I watched the first half of The Godfather and hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin natatapos.
And suddenly I remember a striking question that James asked me last night: So when do you have fun? The answer. I don't know...Nung nakita ko nga yun kanina eh (while I was jogging in Moro), he asked me naman, "So this is your idea of fun?" Thinking about it, the only me time that I have is my workout time. And fine, my computer time. But yes, that's pretty much most of the fun that I regularly get. Fantastic.
I wish I could spend more time with my friends. Now I'm just making the most out of my breaks. At least this week nakapag "date" ako with Jingo and newfound Psych friends, Hanna, Bingo and Balma. Haha. Sa Monday, Sam naman. And hopefully tomorrow, si Nina (track). Last Friday naman was with Nina Ferrer. Haha. And Sunday is AJSS night sa debut ni Chekai.
Ok, so maybe I'm not THAT much of a loser after all. I think I just complain too much. I should just try to make the most of what I have. Still somewhat bothered by the boylessness though. Fine, hindi naman bothered. I just get my lonely moments, I guess. And I can't help getting insecure sometimes. Stupid questions like, "Why don't the boys like me?" start popping up. But I'm not alone naman being alone eh. There's nothing wrong with my just because I'm single.
I guess I just need reassurance.
But I still want a boy.
Or not.
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| Worse |
[13 Jun 2005|07:46pm] |
This whole loneliness thing seems to be getting worse. I've been too detached from all my personal relationships lately. I know that I have my family and friends who love me (and whom I should probably love more), but I feel like I've been distancing myself from everyone and everything, even if I don't mean to do so. During our entire Iloilo trip, I found myself not quite...There. It was like I wasn't interacting enough with my family, and my irritability was at its highest. And despite the fact that I was with my sister after being apart for a month (and knowing that we may be apart for 2 more years), I barely displayed any sort of positive emotion towards her, or anyone in my family for that matter. My detachment is really starting to scare me na nga eh. I'm also feeling really guilty about how I've been treating my family, especially my mom. I have honestly been pushing them away with my horrible atittude when I'm with them, despite my constant reminders to myself to be nicer. I don't know where it comes from. Parang there's so much resentment in me that shouldn't even be there in the first place. I have a Seventh Heaven family for crying out loud! I shouldn't be acting this way. But no matter how much I tell myself that, I keep finding myself right where I don't want to be :c
Besides that whole thing with my family, I've also noticed how detached I've become with my friends. I find it much more difficult to relate, I often end up drifting off in my own thoughts, and I sometimes even reach the point of feeling uncomfortable. This doesn't happen naman pag one-on-one interactions with friends. Pero napansin ko with groups of friends (yes, even with my barkada, like in Zambales), I tend to become detached talaga. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose. It just happens. Parang I can't quite find my place anywhere anymore. I just feel so lost. Sometimes, even the places (or people) I felt most at home in (or with) feel like unfamiliar territory.
I also noticed that I've lost track of all my friends lives. Most people at least have one set of friends whose lives are pretty much part of theirs. These are the friends whom they see most often, of course. But when I looked at my own situation, it seemed like I did not have even that. Right now, I don't feel like such an active part of anyone's personal life. All my current relationships (meaning those with people I constantly interact with) seem to just be professional. The deep and dynamic relationships that I had with people in high school just aren't the same anymore. I don't mean to offend any friends naman with this. More than anything else, I'm the one at fault here for being too much of a workaholic and too little of a friend.
I think the scariest thought that has fleetingly entered my mind was this: I've been so busy that I haven't even had the energy to miss anyone. It's not that I don't miss you guys at all. I just never actually consciously do. I don't know if that just made sense. But I found it scary kasi how easily I moved on when my sister left, when I seemed to think how helpless I was without her. I barely even notice that she's gone. But that doesn't mean naman that I don't value her or whatever.
Ang labo na nito. Masasabi ko lang talaga na ang sama ng nararamdaman ko ngayon. I need something, someone, to help me bring my emotions back.
I tell myself that this is just me growing up, but I actually really miss the old Dani. Yes, even the sappy and baduy part of that girl.
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| Pathetic |
[11 Jun 2005|12:25am] |
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I said that I'd avoid updating na. But for lack of better things to do, I'll update na rin anyway. I have to burn CDs pa for my sister since we're visiting her in Iloilo tomorrow. It's now or never. Gah. I'm extremely sleepy already, but I guess this is the least I can do for her. I can just sleep in the plane. Haha akala mo naman kung anong mahabang lakbay gagawin namin bukas. Ah basta. I'll sleep going to the airport, in the airport, in the plane, on the beach. Basta babawi na lang ako bukas. Now I just have to stay up.
Not making sense at all.
Will move on to useless rant now.
I feel lonely again. Not really the I'm-lonely-and-I-need-someone-to-talk-to type of lonely. It's (once again) the I-want-a-boy type of lonely. *shudder* I'm being pathetic, I know. I guess I just hate the fact that I'm not finding anyone. It's funny how there were more boys for me in high school. Or maybe I was just more prone to get attracted to, well, more of them due to my exclusive school envorionment. But still! Why can't I find anyone in a coed environment? Ok fine, this is UP we're talking about.
I feel like crying. It may partially be due to my attempts to fight my sleepiness, but then again, I have felt like crying over the past few days because of that sense of loneliness. It's really stupid, I know. I honestly don't even think I'd have time for a boy/boyfriend. I don't even have time to go to the doctor or dentist for crying out loud. But knowing me, when a guy is involved, I will always have time.
It's stupid, I know, but that's the way I am. Was. Ngayon? Boyless as boyless can be. I guess I just need someone who can make me feel better in a different way. Not making sense anymore.
The more I think about this, the more it won't happen. I know that for a fact.
Ooh weird thing lang. The past has been popping up again. A while ago, I saw ex #2. It was sweet of him to actually give me something, something with significance to our past by the way. And then while I was with him walking around UP, nakita ko naman si rebound (I know, that sounds horrible). And THEN, tonight, I suddenly got a call from last summer's Lasalista after zero communication in the past month. AND the topic of ex #`1 has been coming up since yesterday. Very often, when the past starts popping up again, something is usually happening or about to happen in the present. But right now, I would really rather not believe in that. The worst thing for me to do (considering my present condition, confusion and circumstances) really is to expect anything. I simply must not believe in the signs. Sometimes, these "signs" are merely reflections of our desperate need to be reassured.
Talk about incoherence. I go now. My mind is dead.
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| Athletic Frustrations |
[03 Jun 2005|09:36am] |
Ang astig ng Coch Carter. Although may ibang cliche moments, astig pa rin siya anyway. Strangely, it totally stirred the teacher in me. But it also stirred the athlete in me. I still have my moments when I wish I could still join the track team. But that requires my whole heart. So does being a part of the ICTUS execom. Dito pumapasok ang kantang Sana Dalawa ang Puso Ko. Hahahaha. But seriously. Getting into one will inevitably cause the other to suffer. Sabi nga ni Ate na although kinaya niya maging SecGen sa MEA kasabay ng pagiging trackster, she was only able to give what was required sa MEA. MEA is a business org. ICTUS is a socio-civic Catholic org. Business orgs do not require as much heart and involvement as socio-civic Catholic orgs.
In the end, I chose ICTUS. Dapat lang panindigan ko yun.
I still want a sport though, kahit for fun lang. Hindi naman kasi pwedeng gawing leisure sport ang track eh. Jogging yes, but not track itself. I don't know of any people who time their sprints, do long jumps or throw around shotputs (maybe except for Bruce Quebral who considers shotput as a hobby haha) just for fun. I want a sport na may kalaro and all.
Who wants to come over and play basketball? Babae sana hahaha. Alam ko namang olats ako kung lalaki kalaro ko.
Speaking of basketball, I'm gonna have to cancel my basketball PE and my English 11 (where I would have been classmates with Hanna and Sam) to accomodate Psych 110. Hay ang hassle kasi ng reg sa UP eh. Sakit sa ulo...
Wala na, incoherence on the loose.
I think I'll go and watch Remember the Titans next. Hahaha.
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| So Who's Your Boy Now? |
[02 Jun 2005|12:15am] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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Everytime I see my high school friends (after not seeing each other for a long time), they always ask me that question. Goodness. Do I really look like someone who ALWAYS has a boy? Buti kung hanggang ngayon ganun pa rin. Ngayon I look more like someone who IS a boy. Sheesh. On the up side of being Dani(boy) though, my girly side is more appreciated than that of girly girls. Hahaha. Wala lang, dalawang guy friends ko na nagsabi sa akin nun eh. Mas kapansin-pansin daw when I make an effort to be a girl, so mas naaappreciate nila. Good to know that my guy friends somehow still notice that, no matter how much (which is too much) they know about me and how comfortable we've become with each other.
Anyway, back to the original topic. Do I really seem like someone who always has a boy? Why has that not been the case since the start of second sem? Ah well. I used to think there was something suddenly wrong with me, but at some point I realized that it's just not (yet) the right time, and the right guy hasn't arrived yet. Maybe we're both meant to grow apart muna before we cross paths. Ewan ko ba. Basta I'm meant to be single right now, and for a long time pa ata.
It still bothers me though that my friends always expect me to have a boy. They don't ask our other friends naman kung sino na boy nila ngayon eh. Goodness.
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| *sigh* |
[31 May 2005|10:02pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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I don't really feel like updating. Haven't felt like it lately, and will probably not feel like it anymore. All I need right now is someone to TALK to. I just need a friend. Kaming dalawa lang (nanaman) ni Job natira dito eh. Haha. Oh well.
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| More Rants |
[24 May 2005|11:00pm] |
I know you're getting sick of my (either) overly long and/or consecutive entries, but please bear with me. I really need to rant right now.
+ Walang tubig sa amin ngayon
+ I hit a motorcycle last night(my first accident involving damage between both parties)
+ I'm tired and drained as hell
+ I'm still stuck in that same rut that I started out in at the beginning of this year
+ Completely loveless
+ Yung ok sana hindi naman pwede because of circumstances
+ School na in two weeks and I still haven't had a real vacation
+ ICTUS planning sem this weekend and I still have no idea how to go about with my project proposals
+ Missing all the LnK events (the best ones, I believe) from Friday to Sunday
+ Missed out on so much in LnK
+ Disappointing performance in class, LnK and ICTUS this summer
+ Pulubi (Didn't even have enough for parking a while ago)
+ Fat and haggard
+ Room a horrible mess
+ Mind a horrible mess
+ STILL have to fix the boxes of ICTUS files
+ Found myself crying looking at the "Happy 2-2" thing Pao made due to extreme loneliness
+ Also found myself crying when I realized how much I missed my sister
+ Have grown detached, even to the people who really matter
+ Have given up on HIM upon realizing how hopeless that case was
I know it could be so much worse, as I have learned this weekend, but I still feel horrible anyway.
Kailangan ko ng malupit na makapagpapasaya sa akin.
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| Matanda, Ubos at Fake |
[24 May 2005|10:14pm] |
Last Sunday, I got a comment from Gayl saying na mukha na akong matanda. Kanina naman, Balma told me that my glow was gone at mukha na kong ubos. Kitang kita na sa mata ko. There's no hiding it. Not even the smiles in my pictures can cover it up. When I think about it, puro fake and practiced smiles na nga lang sa pictures ko eh. Tapos kanina rin when I was in Eastwood with some LnKers, napagkamalan akong pagod kahit hindi naman.
All that says so much about my current state. My life has been drained out of me. Hindi ko na talaga anong makapagbabalik sa "glow" na sinasabi ng aking kaibigan. Pansin ko, start of this year pa ko ubos eh. Akala ko medyo makakarecharge naman ako this summer. I've been to Bora, an ICTUS retreat, and a Days weekend, pero pareho pa rin yung sitwasyon eh. Wala pa rin yung apoy na hinahanap ko sa buhay ko. Promise, hindi ko na talaga alam kung saan ako maghahanap. I have found no fulfillment even in the things that I used to be passionate about. Siguro meron naman, pero not as much as before.
Right now, I would really like to look back and figure out when was the last time I was genuinely happy. I'm not naman sad now, I'm just not happy. But I want to be happy. Help me figure out how. I wanna glow again. I want to start smiling for real again. And strange as this may sound, I want to look young again.
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| Old |
[22 May 2005|11:56pm] |
I got a comment from Gayl this morning that kinda bothered me. While we were hearing mass in Zambales, bigla lang niyang sinabi, "Dani, ang tanda mo na." At first, that comment made no sense because I'm the second youngest in the barkada. And then she explained further. Sabi niya na nagmumukhang matanda na raw ako. It's in the eyes daw. Simply put, lagi akong mukhang pagod at stressed.
Nadagdagan pa 'to the moment I got home. I had to check my mail immediately kasi alam kong may ICTUS work na naghihintay sa akin. Pagbukas ko ng email ko, kaboom. Stress. Bumalik nanaman yung guilt ko dahil kulang talaga yung binibigay ko sa ICTUS ngayon eh. As I said in my previous entries, I'm doing too many things that I'm not doing enough na with any of those things. And it makes me feel horrible talaga eh. Running for execom was a commitment, a commitment that I can't really say that I have been able to carry out well enough for the past two months. I only hope that I can make up for it as soon as possible. I can't afford to screw up. If I do, hindi lang ako ang maaapektuhan eh. Hay.
Sa LnK rin, I only have one week para bumawi. Kelangan ko pa asikasuhin finals ng kids ko, magcompute ng grades nila, at gumawa nung powerpoint para sa graduation na hindi ko mapupuntahan dahil may planning sem sa ICTUS.
This weekend really wasn't enough. Medyo nakakalungkot nga pag napapaisip ako sa mga nangyari this weekend eh. There's no denying that I had a wonderful time with my barkada, but there were several moments when I felt so distant, that I wasn't meant to be there. Ito na yung mga taong pinakamalapit sa akin ah. Pati sa kanila nangyayari na rin 'to. Nothing wrong with you guys naman. Nakakatuwa nga that things are still the same pag pinagsama na tayo. Ako ata talaga yung may problema. Hindi ko na maintindihan kung ano.
O ginagawan ko lang ba ng problema ang sarili ko?
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danerd's journal